Why I Won’t Be Making Another Marathon Attempt…Yet

This post has been several weeks in the making. After the disaster that was the Vermont City Marathon 2016, I knew I needed to take some time to decide what I really wanted to do. I shared with you all that I was feeling a lot of pressure to sign up for a redemption race and try again, and I have been resisting that pressure and sorting through my feelings ever since.

As you’ve probably deduced from the title of this post, I will not be making another marathon attempt this year. I haven’t totally ruled it out of the realm of possibility at another time in my life, but the time is not now. I researched various fall marathons. I read race recaps and stalked race websites and talked to a bunch of people, but when the chips were down, I just couldn’t hit the “register” button.

I always intended the marathon to be a “one and done.” After I signed up for VCM, and all through my training, I maintained my gut feeling that I didn’t want to do this again. True, I didn’t actually finish a marathon, but I did the training. I felt all the feelings and all the physical impacts and it just didn’t work out. Not finishing the last 7 miles of the Vermont City Marathon sucked, hard, and while I still feel robbed of having the title of “marathon finisher,” it doesn’t really change the fact that I’m simply not ready to put myself through that again.

Marathon training is friggin’ hard, and I just don’t have the grit to do it again right now. I look back, and I don’t like the person I was this spring. I was exhausted. I was moody. I was emotional. All I did was eat, sleep, run, and stress about running. I ate too much and gained a bunch of weight because I was too stressed to manage my fueling properly. I don’t want another four months of stress. Another four months of early wake up calls and hours slogging through double-digit long runs and watching the weight on the scale creep up and up because I can’t eat like a normal human when I’m running that much. Another four months of blisters and panic over every ache or pain and a constantly chafed butt.

I have done a lot of soul-searching. A lot of back and forth. And when it came right down to it, the only reasons I could think of for making another marathon attempt were the “shoulds.” I should do it to make up for VCM. I should do it so my blog readers don’t think I’m a weenie.  should do it so that when my friends ask me if I’m going to try again, I don’t have to say that I chickened out. And I’m sure you can all appreciate that deciding to do a marathon because you think you should and not because you want to is a really bad idea.

So there it is. I won’t be running a marathon this fall. And I may not ever decide to train for one again. It’s just too hard for me, and that’s ok. Some people aren’t meant to run multiple marathons. Some people aren’t meant to run even one. Achieving a certain pace or distance goal has no bearing whatsoever on my status as a runner, and I refuse to feel bad about myself or that I’ve failed somehow because I’ve recognized my own limitations.

Instead of dragging myself through another round of marathon training (and in the summer heat, no less), I will be focusing on a half marathon PR attempt in early October. My half marathon PR was set two years ago, and I’m ready for a new one. Training for a half is much more manageable, and dare I say, enjoyable, than marathon training. It won’t take up as much time, it’s less fraught on the eating and fueling front, and my recovery time will be much faster. I already have a training plan ready to roll (thank you, Hal Higdon (plus my bazillion edits)), and I’m ready to get back to regular, enjoyable running.

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Race Recap: Vermont City Marathon 2016

Disclaimer: I received an entry into the Vermont City Marathon as part of being a BibRave Pro. Learn more about becoming a BibRave Pro (ambassador), and check out BibRave.com to review find and write race reviews!

This is gonna be a long one, folks, so bear with me. TL/DR: The race was cancelled at the four hour mark and I didn’t finish. You can also read my “just the facts” BibRave review minus all of my emotional baggage by clicking here.

I hit up the Sports and Fitness Expo on Friday around 4pm, and it was quite busy Still, though, getting my packet and t-shirt was very easy. Lots of local vendors and anything you could possibly need to purchase last minute–Body Glide, Gu’s, Shot Blocs, socks etc. Volunteers were encouraging runners to hydrate well, because conditions were expected to be very hot and humid. RunVermont had actually been very communicative all week regarding race day conditions, and had added extra aid stations, ice stations, misting stations, and encouraged residents of Burlington to pitch in and spray runners with hoses and sprinklers. I wandered around the expo for a while, but the only purchase I made was a #FueledbyDonuts tank top from the Montclair Bread Company.

Photo May 27, 4 28 52 PM (1)

After that I had a ladies’ night at Outback with some girlfriends for a much-needed drinks and chat session, and then I went home and chilled out for a while before an early bedtime. Saturday morning I had my shakeout run and yoga session with Athleta, then spent the day getting all of my gear together, and sitting on my butt. I was in bed, lights out by 9:45.

I woke up on my own at 5:10 am, then proceeded to just lay in bed until my alarm went off at 5:30. I had my bagel with cream cheese, plus 16 oz of watered down Gatorade. I proceeded to sip more water while I got ready, then got in the car at 7 am to find parking downtown. I parked at the corner of King Street and St. Paul, because that lot is my personal favorite lot, and because parking is free on Sundays, I didn’t have to worry about feeding the meters.

I walked slowly over to the start area in Battery Park, checked my bag, and used a porta-potty. I met up with my dad about 15 minutes before the start, chatted, took some pictures, and then got into the corral with the 5 hour pace group. Temps were already in the 70’s at 8 am, and we already had yellow flag (moderate health risk) conditions. We had been told that if conditions reached black flag (extreme health risk), the race would be cancelled.

Photo May 29, 7 52 24 AM

I spent the first 3 miles grinning like an idiot. I was taking my time, focusing on not going out too fast, and just trying to enjoy my first marathon. The crowd support through the downtown area is insane. Thousands of spectators cheering, ringing cowbells, waving signs, and just being so encouraging. After the first loop through downtown, we headed out onto the Beltline.

I had been warned in advance that this stretch is the toughest part of the marathon, and it’s absolutely true. It’s a long out and back on a closed highway, totally exposed to the sun. It was on the Beltline, at around mile 5.5, that I had to start using run/walk intervals, and where I started to realize that this was going to be a hell of a lot harder than I thought. There was an aid station at mile 5.5ish that was already struggling to keep up with the demand for water and Gatorade. There weren’t any cups ready to go, so runners were having to stop and wait. There was also a sign indicating red flag (high health risk) conditions. I plugged along, trying not to push too hard, and finally made it to the turnaround and headed back. By the time I reached the aid station again (mile 6.5ish), they were completely out of water and Gatorade. Completely. Out. Thankfully, I had my OrangeMud VP with Nuun in the bottle, but not everyone had brought their own hydration, and people were NOT happy.

Photo May 31, 2 28 46 PMFinally, the Beltline ended and we ran back through downtown. My dad was waiting to take pictures and cheer me on, and I thought that surely I must be out of the woods now that the Beltline was over. WRONG! My strugglebus was just starting to rev its engine. The heat was already getting to me, and I felt awful. I couldn’t keep up with my 10:1 intervals, and just started walking whenever I felt like it. I had a huge group of my Lyric Theatre friends cheering on Pine Street (mile 9ish), which was a great boost, but I was already doubting my ability to finish. It was so damn hot and I felt sick. Ben was waiting for me at the end of Pine Street, and I told him how shitty I was feeling. He encouraged me to keep going, but not to do anything that was going to end up with me hurt or sick.

A half mile or so later, I ran into my friend Erik on his motorcycle. He was ferrying around a course photographer, so I stopped for a hug and a little encouragement. I was barely running, and seriously considering quitting at the halfway point. We were running through a nice residential area, and people were spraying us with hoses, which was SO NICE. I got an orange slice and some pretzels, which really helped me feel a bit better, and I don’t even like oranges. I made it through the halfway point at Oakledge Park, and decided that come hell or high water, I was finishing this damn marathon.

I was walking at least as much as I was running, but I was still moving, and that was all I cared about. I made it back to Pine Street, passed my friends again, and just focused on moving as much as I could. Mile 15 is the “Assault on Battery,” Vermont’s own Heartbreak Hill. Some friends were there, plus my dad and sister, who brought water for me to refill my OM bottle, and Ben was there too. I power-walked up the hill, and then continued alternating running and walking as much as I could out North Ave.

At around mile 17, I turned into a neighborhood called Lakewood Estates, and can I just tell you that this neighborhood is magical? Almost every house had some kind of unofficial support–hoses, sprinklers, music, ice, water, even a few live bands. There were all kinds of people giving out high fives and shouting encouragement. It was amazing, and I started to feel better. The sun had gone behind some clouds, and I was sure that I was going to finish.

I got back out onto North Ave for a bit, then turned down Leddy Ave, walking and running as much as I could. There were volunteers handing out potato chips, pretzels, and orange slices, so I grabbed some chips and an orange slice for some salt and natural sugar, and then all of a sudden there was a guy on a bullhorn. “I just received word that the race has been cancelled due to extreme conditions. Please proceed to the next official aid station for instructions.” I was in shock. Surely this was a mistake. A bad joke. Not reality.

I ran down the hill into the Leddy Park parking lot and there was a volunteer at the aid station confirming what I’d heard. Extreme conditions. Race cancelled. No more timing. No more water stations. We won’t stop you from finishing, but we highly discourage it. Busses are coming to take you to the finish. Everyone gets a medal. I just stood there dumbly. I texted my dad and sister–yeah, they’d heard. I texted Ben, my mom, Coach Suz, Team Can-Am… I was in a daze. Coach Suz asked if I was going to continue, and I honestly thought about it, but knew there was no way I could finish without more water stations. And suddenly, I was mad. The volunteer who was announcing that the race was over was kind of a dick, to be honest. No apologies. No sympathy. Just trying to get people to stop. I know it was for everyone’s good, but I think that particular volunteer handled it poorly. He was yelling that water was “shut off,” even though there was a table full of water right behind him. Another volunteer saw me standing there, and asked if I wanted some ice. He gave me a full cup of ice and I stood there chewing on it and just trying to process what was happening.

We had to walk about a 1/2 mile back up to North Ave to catch the shuttle buses, and then the final indignity was that the bus I was on dropped us off at least a half mile from the finish area, and we didn’t receive any instructions about where to go to get our medals. Meanwhile race volunteers had told my family that I would be dropped off over at the Echo Center, almost a mile away from where I was actually dropped off. Apparently, because I was on the first bus, they hadn’t figured things out yet. I hobbled to the waterfront, and the finish line was still open, right there. People were still cheering and runners were still crossing the finish line and I just felt so numb.

I found my family and got my medal and left the area as soon as I could. I was pretty much in shock until I started to write this recap on Monday. And then I just burst into tears while typing this up because I can’t fucking believe this happened. I have also heard from numerous people that what I was told was misinformation–there were still water stations, chip times were still being recorded (even though “official” results would not be honored), and the finish line stayed open. So it seems that I could have continued, but I just gave up. Apparently lots of runners finished after the race was “cancelled.” They finished in spite of the course being “closed” and in spite of the conditions. And I feel like a failure.

So now I don’t really know what’s next. On the one hand, I feel sort of like I’m “supposed” to run out and find a redemption race because otherwise all of this training was just a waste of time. But on the other hand, I don’t know if I can put myself through this again. I had to fight for every single step on Sunday, and who’s to say that the next marathon will have better conditions? It’s summer. Any race day between now and October could end up with high temps and misery. And there’s also the financial aspect. Signing up for another marathon is gonna cost probably at least $100, plus travel and accommodations, and I really can’t afford that right now. I’ve talked about it with Coach Suz some, but I still don’t know.

Needless to say, this is not the recap I had hoped to write, and this race was not the experience I’d hoped for. I still kind of feel like I’m in shock.. I feel like I’m some stupid, overly emotional crybaby because I’m letting this get to me so much. I’m tired of thinking about it. Tired of trying to analyze it. Tired of talking about it.

How do you pick yourself up after a terrible, horrible, no good very bad race?

Manic Monday – 05/30/16

Manic

Vermont City Marathon Training Week 19
What Was Planned vs What Happened

Monday 05/23/16: Rest | Rest
After a quick dinner at home, I went to a bra fitting party with a bunch of girlfriends. It was super fun, and I was still home and in bed by 10:30.

Tuesday 05/24/16: 40 Minute Easy Run4 Miles @ 10:28 Pace
It was pretty warm out, which was uncomfortable, but I just tried to look at it as a good preview of race day. It’s supposed to be quite hot and humid. Yuck! After the run I stretched out really well, then foam rolled and did some hip exercises.

Wednesday 05/25/16: Hot YogaHot Yoga
Other than overdoing it a bit on some quad stuff, it was a good class.

Thursday 05/26/16: 50 Minute Progression Run40 Min Progression Run
I was short on time because I had to run on my lunch break, so I only did 40 minutes. I had great negative splits and felt pretty good.

Friday 05/27/16: RestRest
I had a ladies’ night out with some friends, and then was home and in bed by 10:30.

Saturday 05/28/16: 2 Miles Easy + Yoga2 Miles + 45 Min Yoga
This was my final run with Athleta, and then they sponsored a 45 minute Yoga for Runners class when we got back to the store. It was fun meeting a bunch of VCM runners and getting a good stretch. Then I basically sat on my butt, carb-loading and binge-watching Gilmore Girls for the rest of the day.

Sunday 05/29/16: Vermont City Marathon | Vermont City Marathon DNF
Those of you who follow me on social media know by now that VCM was cancelled due to black flag conditions at the 4 hour mark. I was at mile 19 and knew I couldn’t finish without water stations, so I bussed it back to the start. Obviously I’ve got a lot of conflicted feelings going on, but you’ll have to wait for my recap for that mess.

Have you ever had a race cancelled while you were still out on the course?

Vermont City Marathon Goals & Plan

I seriously can’t even believe it’s time to write this post. I can’t believe that in 3 short days, I will be running my first marathon. Over the course of the last 19 or so weeks, I’ve thought A LOT about my goals for my first marathon. I’ve talked it over with friends and family and Coach Suz. People have asked a lot about it. So this post has been percolating for a while.

I’ve been pretty clear from the outset that my main goal, and the single thing that I really set out to accomplish, is crossing the finish line. No matter what happens, as long as I cross the finish line, I’ll be happy. But of course, because I’m a runner, and runners are crazy, I have other goals.

  • Finish under 5 hours. Based on my longer training runs, this is totally possible. To come in under 5 hours, I’d need to run with an overall pace of 11:26ish, which I’m reasonably sure I could do as long as something doesn’t go catastrophically wrong. ANYTHING under 5 hours would make me over-the-moon-ecstatic.
  • Finish healthy and uninjured. These last few weeks of training have been plagued with issues, and I would really like to finish this marathon without a recurrence of said issues. I have a 10k race in July that I’m really excited about, and my first relay race in August, so I want to be healthy and able to train for those races after I recover.
  • Finish with a smile. I hope to be able to really enjoy my first marathon, and I want it to be an overall positive experience. I want a nice picture of me crossing the finish line at least looking like I had a good time. If I have enough energy to fake it, I’ll know that I’m not going to die.

So now, the plan for race day.

What I’m Wearing:

  • Athleta Be Free Shorts
  • BibRave Tech Shirt
  • UV Buff around my neck for sun protection (can also wet it down to cool me off)
  • Saucony Mirage 4 shoes
  • Balega socks
  • Lynx ports bra
  • Brooks Running hat
  • OrangeMud VP1

How I’m Fueling:

  • Jelly Belly Sport Beans
  • Nuun in my OM bottle

I will eat my sport beans every 5 miles, and take a sip of Nuun every mile; it’s looking like Sunday will be very hot and humid, so I’ll need the electrolytes. I assume I can refill my bottle at hydration stations, but if not, I know they’ll have both water and Gatorade every 2.5ish miles on the course, and I know I can tolerate Gatorade, so I don’t have to worry about tummy issues. Pre-race, I’ll probably have a bagel with cream cheese, and maybe have a small snack about 30 minutes before the race. I’ve been finding myself very hungry during a lot of my long runs, so I’m trying to make sure I’ve got plenty of fuel in the tank.

Pacing:

As of right now, I’m pretty sure I’m just going to run with the 5 hour pace group. I like to start out nice and slow on my long runs, and generally once I get warmed up, I speed up a bit. I think if I just start easy with the 5 hour group, it will be possible for me to speed up and leave them later, so that I can get in under 5 hours. I have also programmed 10:1 intervals into my Garmin so that if I completely blow up, I can fall back on a run/walk routine to get me to the finish.

Celebrations:

I’m not sure what I’ll eat immediately post-run, but I do know that Ben and I have a date at Burger Barn for dinner, where I will be INHALING a Nutty Goat and some fries. And some beer. And then I plan on sleeping as late as I want on Monday, and sitting on my butt as much as possible.

Recovery:

I plan to take at least 4 full days off from running, but I don’t plan to just loaf around either. I’ll hit up a yoga class on Wednesday, and I’m going rollerskating with my friend Sharon on Thursday. I’m hoping for a short, easy run on Friday, but we’ll see how I’m feeling. There will be lots of stretching, foam rolling, walking, and Epsom salt baths. I don’t want to take too much time off, because I have a 10k in July to train for, but since I’ve never run a marathon before, I have no idea how long it will take for me to feel ok again post-race, and I don’t want to rush back into running and end up injured or burned out.

So there you have it. Marathon goals and race day plan. Wow. Yikes. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Are you a list-maker/planner like me?

It’s Race Week!

Here we are. Almost 20 weeks of marathon training, and it’s officially race week. I’m a little bit in shock. In some ways, I’m like “Finally! I’ve been waiting for this forever!” And in other ways I’m like, “Woah, WOAH, I am not ready for this how is it already race week?!”

It’s no secret that training for this race hasn’t exactly been fun. I was overly busy and stressed out trying to train while rehearsing and performing in Mary Poppins. Then I went on vacation and just didn’t train for a week. And then I got hurt, and it all went to hell in a handbasket. For the last month or so, I’ve been whiny, emotional, and thoroughly freaked out about this whole marathon thing. I feel bad for being so negative, but I needed to let those feelings out and process them, and you have all been incredibly kind and supportive, so thank you for that ❤

The good news is, I’m finally starting to get excited. They released photos of the medals this weekend, and they’re GORGEOUS. I can’t wait to wear mine all day on Sunday. And possibly Monday too.

Because I’m just a little bit Type A, I’m trying to approach this week with a plan. I like to be methodical, to feel like I have taken care of everything that’s within my power, so that I can go into the race knowing that I’ve done everything I can, and it’s out of my hands. So that means, it’s list time! Here’s my plan for race week.

  • Hydrate like a BOSS. I’ve got a 32 oz water bottle on my desk at work, and a 25 oz water bottle on my coffee table at home. I aim to drink at least 80 oz of water each day. I’m tracking my intake with an app, cause I like data and certainty.
  • Carb load responsibly. I’m trying not to make this week an excuse to eat like an asshole. I’m trying to get my carbs mostly from whole grains, sweet potatoes, and less fibrous veggies and fruits.
  • Know my sh*t. Study the Runner Essentials handbook. Familiarize myself with the course. Know how I’m getting to the start line. Know where I’m meeting my family after the race. Make sure I have all the information I need so that nothing throws me for a loop and freaks me out on race day.
  • Make self-care and recovery a priority. Stretch. Foam roll. Go to yoga. Take extra good care of my body so I feel rested and well on race day.
  • Get lots of good quality sleep. I know that nerves will probably make sleeping on Saturday night a challenge, so I’m determined to get caught up on rest during the week. In bed, lights out, no later than 10 every night. This may be challenging as I’ve got some fun parties that are happening, but I just need to stay strong and remember that the marathon is a goal I’ve been working toward for months, and I need to prioritize it over partying.
  • Take it one day at a time. I’m doing my best not to freak out. I’m trying to just focus on what I need to do each day, and not worry about what tomorrow will bring. This is hard. I’m worried about the weather, I’m worried about my foot, I’m worried about a lot, but I’m trying not to let it get to me.

Any other advice for marathon prep?

Manic Monday – 05/23/16

Photo May 23, 8 40 17 AM

Vermont City Marathon Training Week 18
What Was Planned vs. What Happened

Monday 05/16/16: Rest | Rest
As I shared in last week’s Manic Monday post, I was feeling stressed and anxious, so I made it a point to just relax. My friend Emily had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago, so I went to visit her and played with her daughter while her husband made dinner.

Tuesday 05/17/16: 40 Minute Easy Run41 Minutes @ 10:16 Pace
I had a delightful runch with zero foot pain. Yay!

Wednesday 05/18/16: Hot Yoga | Hot Yoga
Still loving it. Before each class, the instructor asks if we have areas we’d like to work on, and I said hips, so we did lots of hip openers and I felt great!

Thursday 05/19/16: 50 Minute Progression RunSh’Bam
You may remember me talking about Sh’Bam before. It’s a cardio dance class sort of like Zumba, and my friend Brad is an instructor. This was a special class to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I was originally going to run at lunch as well, but I had to use my break time to go to the dentist instead.

Friday 05/20/16: Rest/StrengthRest
Ben and I had a nice, relaxing evening at home, and I went to bed early because I knew I had to get up to meet my running group at Athleta in the morning.

Saturday 05/21/16: 40 Minute Easy Run4.75 Miles @ 10:20 Pace
I’m pretty sure the mileage and pace is a bit off, because my Garmin didn’t have a satellite before we started, but I think that’s approximately right. It was a much more easy run than these Athleta runs have been previously, which was nice.

Sunday 05/22/16: 10 Miles10 Miles at 11:01 Pace
Coach Suz instructed me to use 4:1 intervals for this final long run, just to make sure my foot was ok. AND IT WAS! I think the intervals were a little too short for me, because I had a hard time settling into a pace, but it was worth it to have my first pain-free long run in… 3 weeks? 4 weeks? It was just the confidence boost I needed. Especially when I saw this:

Weekly Mileage: 18.75
Total 2016 Mileage: 359.8

And just like that, it’s race week. Holy crap.

Manic Monday – 05/16/16

Vermont City Marathon Training Week 17
What Was Planned vs. What Happened

Monday 05/09/16: Rest | 10 Miles @ 10:33 Pace
I needed to make up my missed long run, so I set out after work intending to just take it easy and enjoy some birthday miles. The weather was great, not too hot, not too cold, and I had a decent route planned out. It took a while to get warmed up, but once I did, my quad was totally fine. Unfortunately, my foot was still bothering me quite a bit.

Tuesday 05/10/16: 50 Minute Caterpillar RunRest
I did a few ankle and hip strengthening exercises, but because of the amount of pain I’d felt in my foot on Monday’s run, and because we had dinner with Ben’s parents out in Underhill, I decided to forego a run and just let my foot rest. I also emailed with Coach Suz about possible next steps for treating the foot. Ugh.

Wednesday 05/11/16: Hot YogaHot Yoga
I’m still really, really jazzed about getting back to hot yoga. I’m hopeful that a more regular practice will be a good complement to running, and also help me manage my typically high stress levels.

Thursday 05/12/16: VT Corporate Cup Challenge 5k5k @ 10:23 Pace
It was hot, hot, hot, but I got it done, and it was pain-free. Stay tuned for a recap later this week.

Friday 05/13/16: Rest/StrengthRest/Strength
I did some hip and ankle stuff, but otherwise just took it easy and went to bed relatively early.

Saturday 05/14/16: 40 Minute Easy Run | 4.52 Miles @ 9:45 Pace
Not exactly an “easy” run, but I was with the group from Athleta, and they were all super speedy, so I felt compelled to keep up. Thankfully, the foot was without complaint during the run, but I’m still getting odd tweaks and twinges at other times :/

Sunday 05/15/16: 16 Miles EasyRest/Strength
I skipped this run. Blatantly skipped it. I’ve got plenty of excuses, but the long and the short of it is that I just plain didn’t want to do it. I’m just feeling over this whole marathon thing, to be perfectly frank. It was a gross, cold, rainy/snowy day, and I just plain didn’t want to run. I did hip and ankle strength but that’s it.

Weekly Mileage: 14.52
Total 2016 Mileage: 341.1

I know that skipping Sunday’s final long run really isn’t doing me any favors, but I honestly couldn’t make myself do it. I may expand on how I’m feeling later this week, but I’m trying to wait until I’m better rested before saying things that I don’t really mean and coming off super negative and rant-y. For now I’ll just say that there’s a lot going on at the moment, and I’m having trouble managing my stress and anxiety. My current mood is not helped by the fact that it’s currently spitting snow outside…

Tell me something fun on this cold, dreary Monday!